Do You Have Self-Compassion? Beat the Need to be a Perfectionist
I really prefer to work with people who pay close attention to details. They are quite conscientious of their work. In fact, not only do I look for these types of individuals when I hire people, but my Personnel Selection class while I was studying my for MBA at the University of Iowa outlined how this characteristic makes the difference between good and great employees based upon research at Harvard University.
Knowing that sometimes I’m too hard on myself and at other times, I’m fearful that I’m too hard on a team member or even my sons, I think a lot about this topic. Finding the right balance between having high standards and expecting perfectionism is something with which I’ll always seek to improve.
Having such a personal interest in this topic, I was struck by an article I read on perfectionists in the workplace, which took me to follow the work of Thomas Curran, PhD. I discovered his outstanding Ted Talk (Our dangerous obsession with perfectionism is getting worse) in which he outlined the types of perfectionism—where we are most at risk in society—and what we can do about this issue.
As Dr. Curran stated, we often think of perfectionism as an emblem of success, but the truth is that perfectionists are not the most successful. There are case reports showing that perfectionists never feel quite perfect enough. From case reports, we understand that perfectionists are predisposed to a host of psychological difficulties including depression, anxiety, anorexia, bulimia, and suicide ideation.
He described three types of perfectionism:
- Self-oriented perfectionism in which we have an irrational desire to be perfect
- Socially prescribed perfectionism which is being impacted by the powerful influence of others’ expectations
- Other-oriented perfectionism which is the expectation on others to be perfect
Dr. Curran’s research has shown that all three types of perfectionism have been increasing over time. What’s most alarming is that socially prescribed perfectionism has made the biggest jump upward. In 1989, just 9% of Americans felt the effects of socially prescribed protectionism, but by 2017, that number had doubled to 18%, and by 2050, projections show that 33% of young people will have socially prescribed perfectionism. Does this worry you about our next generation?
While social media is a big reason for this concern, his research has also shown that helicopter parenting has created a generation of youngsters in pain. With this type of perfectionism being most closely linked to depression and other mental illnesses, there are things we can do. The antidote to self-criticism is self-compassion. Be kind to yourself as you would be to your friends. Teach others that in our chaotic world, it is okay when life defeats us; because at times, it does. Develop our young people in a society that has outgrown the feeling that they need to be perfect. Celebrate the beauties and the joys of imperfection as a normal and natural part of everyday life.
Just like the value of compassion with patients in medicine, self-compassion is the true antidote to the demands we feel from the effects of feeling the need to be perfect.
